Trump Seeks Medical Attention For Paper Cut On Penis — Misunderstanding When He Told Donor, "Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is"
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ICE Agents Funding Threatened — 9AM ICE Van At Home Depot To Recruit For Driver And Lookout Day Labor, 10am Return For Roundup
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After Humdrum Parade With Few Attending Trump Says He Knows What The People Want — Gladiator Style Fights In Public Arena, Democrats Vs Tigers
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ABC Reporter Matt Gutman Keeps Cool While Heated LAPD Officer Has Creatine Fueled Standard Police-Issued Rage Fest
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Trump Threatens Removing FCC Broadcast License To Any News Stations Saying His Parade Was Tiny
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Trump Blames Hunter Biden's Laptop For Lackluster Birthday Parade Turnout
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Congressional Bipartisanship Alive-And-Well — Congress Approves Funding For Police Officer 'Rage Prevention Classes' Upon Watching News
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President Of China Xi Jinping Seeks Medical Attention For Minor Back Injuries After Fits Of Hysterical Laughter Watching Trump Parade
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Trump Regrets Not Including Garbage Trucks In His Birthday Parade: "The Media Always Loves It When I Have A Garbage Truck"
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Kristi Noem Recommending Cauterization Branding Of Immigrants With #4547 To Better Identify Them For Law Enforcement
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Trump Cognitive Decline In Final Statges — Evident After Attempt To Put Tariff On Gavin Newsom
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ICE Hired PR Firm To Come Up With Slogan And It Backfired: "ICE, The Non-Oath Keepers"
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Echoes Of 1989 Tiananmen Square Tank Man — Trump Orders Parade Tanks Drivers: "Do NOT Stop If Protesters Block Route"
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Trump To Phaseout FEMA After 2025 Hurricane Season — Says Red States Can Raise Taxes To Pay For Disaster Relief Themselves
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PANTONE® USA Requests ICE Stop Using Pantone Color Swatches As Means To Determine Immigrants
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Wife Of Florida Sheriff Wayne Ivey Speaks Out After Husband's Rage 'Threats Of Death' To Protesters Defending Immigrants: "He's Just Upset, He Caught Me With Our Landscaper Santiago Last Week"
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On A High From Killing Electric Vehicle Subsidies, Trump Eyes Eliminating The US $2.2 Billion Corn Subsidy Program — Calling It A 'Socialist Government Handout'
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Trump Calls All-Hands-On-Deck Meeting For Staffers: "WE NEED A DISTRACTION ASAP! Maybe A War? No Bad Ideas People" —As Appeals Court Denies Challenge Of Sexual Abuser Donald Trump
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Far-Right Extremist "Oath Keepers" Have Conflict As Radical Group's Oath Is To The US Constitution, But Trump And His Administration Is Not
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Florida Sheriff Wayne Ivey Receives Trump Phone Call: "The President Says, Since The Constitution Has Been Suspended, I Have His Blessing To Be Judge, Jury And Executioner As I See Fit"
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Florida Sheriff Cracks At Press Conference: "If You Protest My King, I Will Have My Officers Hunt You For Sport!"
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Trump Not Only Thinks Putin Fought In WWII, But A Claims Putin Used To 'Kick Stalin's Ass At Chess'
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Pete Hegseth Finishes Dick Cheney Biography Audiobook — Coincidentally Argues California Has Weapons Of Mass Destruction
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McDonald's Losing Profit At Drive-Thrus' Across America — Microphone's Picking Up Chants Of "Screw ICE" And "No ICE" On Orders, Est. Loss Of $100 Million As Additional Soda Costs
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Vampire Steven Miller Is Having IV Bags Of O-Negative On Standby In Case He Gets Tempted By MAGA Crowds This Saturday
A subreddit for writing satirical news headlines in the style of *The Onion*