Is it Dutch Culture or am I being played?

Edit:

Thank you all for sharing your thoughts. I felt the same way, but last night I was made to believe otherwise by her ex, his current partner, my wife, and her friend. They tried to convince me it was perfectly normal. At first, I thought the comment was extremely racist because of my different upbringing.

What shocked me was her ex’s current partner saying it was normal, which made me doubt myself and question if I was missing something. From my experience of dating European women in the past, it didn’t seem normal, but I wondered if Dutch culture might be different and felt the need to confirm it.

Can I please request you to be kind with your worlds about her? End of the day she is mother of my child and I know my child will not like me to treat her like trash no matter how hurt I am. It’s very hard for me to respect her but I have to try and learn it for sake of my child. Thank you for your consideration.

MAIN POST: Sorry for the English post 🙏🏽

I’m 34M, my wife is 35F, and we’ve been married since 2022. We’ve known each other since October 2020 and live in Australia. I’m originally from India, and she’s from the Netherlands.

At the beginning of our relationship, we agreed to a boundary of not staying in touch with our exes. I’ve honored this fully. Whenever an ex has contacted me, I’ve shown my wife the messages and asked how she wanted me to respond. I even cut ties with one of my exes because my wife felt uncomfortable, even though our friendship was platonic.

However, I recently discovered my wife has been in regular contact with her ex-boyfriend throughout our relationship. They call 1-3 times a month, message weekly, and exchange affectionate messages like “I love you,” “I miss you,” and “xx.” She’s also sent him songs that remind her of him. To make it worse, she planned and met him on our last two Europe trips without my knowledge.

I’ve tried talking to her about this, but her responses vary—sometimes she feels guilty, but other times she insists it’s just an innocent friendship. She also says this is a normal part of Dutch culture, and her ex’s wife (who is aware of their contact) echoed this, explaining that in the Netherlands, people often maintain close, affectionate friendships with exes.

While I want to respect cultural differences, I feel betrayed because of the secrecy and because we had agreed on a boundary that I’ve stuck to, but she hasn’t.

We now have a 2-month-old baby, and I’m struggling to decide how to move forward. I don’t want to dismiss this as just a cultural difference if it’s a deeper issue of trust, but I also want to approach this with respect for my wife’s culture.

For those familiar with Dutch culture, is this kind of close relationship with an ex really common and considered normal? Or is this more about personal boundaries? How can I handle this situation while staying respectful of our cultural differences?