I don't understand

I don't get it, I don't get it, I don't understand how she can neglect and mistreat me so horribly while also giving me a house and food. I don't understand. I act so nice and apologize or try to be emotionally mature and tell her why what she did hurt me, what I need, or my opinions but then she gets mad at me for even telling her I'm upset

Sometimes it's actually normal for a while but then she does something passive aggressive that she knows will hurt me so I try to avoid her but then she gets worse and I have to be nice again so she'll help me with things I'm not strong enough for anymore and I hate it, I hate being this weak, I hate that this is my life, I just wanted to be happy, I never even got to live my life.. why did I have to get sick

I'm on my literal death bed and every week she goes on vacation and leaves me alone here; but honestly it's actually better that way because even if I'm alone she's not here to hurt me anymore

She just doesn't care, and I don't get it. It feels like, slowly over time as I got sicker she only got more cold and mean, it years ago she got replaced by a mimic.. honestly I think she secretly hopes I die from my illnesses, that way she doesn't have to think about it or me anymore, so she just gives as little help as possible while telling me she loves me and I hate it, I hate that word now

It's just so confusing, I don't know how to feel anymore, when she interacts with anyone else or in public she's like a different person, nice to me even, and it's so confusing, like nobody actually knows what she's like and I can't even tell anyone because no one ever listens. I don't understand it, am I actually crazy, why am I different, what did I do to be treated this way

I know it's kind of my fault for cutting off my friends who actually did, but sometimes I wonder how much my life would have been different if just had someone in it that cared