Do I leave?

A few months ago I made a few bad choices that ultimately led to me cheating one night. I told my husband everything within hours of it happening and we have since been seeking therapy and it has been helpful.

Here's what I'm stuck on. With many people this is a non-negotiable. This is a breakupable offense regardless of the situation.

Why does it make any sense for him to stay and work on and repair our marriage? Is he compromising himself for the sake of comfort and fear of leaving that comfort?

He was so sure he wanted a divorce, but then he said he couldn't imagine life without me and doesn't want to do life without me, but he's still haunted every day. AP (Affair person) and I didn't go all the way, however hubby doesn't believe me because why would he if he knows I liked the guy, why would anything have happened if I didn't actually want it therefore it must've happened and that I'm lying..

I don't know how to prove to him that I'm not lying. I don't think this will ever leave his mind... And by staying and working on our marriage will just push on that pain point and be the forever reminder that his precious wife did that to him..

I know love is a powerful drug and the reason why anyone would ever stay with a cheater... But is it fair? Does it ever turn out good? Does it EVER amount to a marriage without cheating because the repair allows the marriage to get stronger?

I'm so stuck. I want to do right by him. He deserves a woman who has her shit figured out in which that's never been me.. I am actively taking the necessary steps to understand what led to this, why my boundaries weren't strong, what underlying issues were going on in the marriage, etc. I know that there's hope for a future because of my responsibility which is why he was able to forgive me.

When everything went down I was really confused as this is not behavior I've ever shown... It feels like I actually moved to the passenger seat while a version of me that has never come out before started racing the car. I was disoriented. Disconnected. My 6 year husband suddenly seemed like an average person or even just a friend when weeks prior I was madly in love with him. I was sure that I wanted to leave, but his reaction was so strong it chilled my bones. For three days I was in this weird headspace of trying to figure out how to leave... And then suddenly I wake up and everything is back to normal to ME as far as how much I love my husband and him being the only person i ever see... as I look at this devastating wreck I created.

Two more times I flip and suddenly I'm back in the passenger seat and reaching out to this guy. And reversed within a few days of admitting I reached out to him again..

I don't know what the fuck happened. I'm trying to figure it out. There was no sense of unhappiness, I felt secure in my marriage, and I was absolutely not looking at anybody else. In fact when I met the AP there was no attraction to him whatsoever until a few weeks later when there was a moment that I could sense suddenly I had eyes for him. It crept up on me and I didn't handle it the right way, I didn't know HOW to handle it because my emotions made everything so unreal with my marriage, me, and the AP.

I'm diligently doing everything necessary to prevent this from ever happening again and establishing room to talk about this issue with my husband..

I have alot of hope for our ability to repair, and I want to live a happy life with him..

But why do I deserve that? Why should we build a life on something that has been so shattered that it has to be completely rebuilt? And will it ever be completely rebuilt or will that hurt always be there for as long as I'm around?.

I love him so much.. I've been so selfish in not protecting his heart better and not being ready to be married (obviously).. I've loved him SO MUCH that I begged for him to stay anytime anything every happened (a fight, he cheated, I cheated, can't communicate, walled off emotions etc.. it's been rough but alot of that has been fixed) and I think maybe I didn't love him "ENOUGH" to let him go but that I loved myself more..

I'm all he has known. This last year we've treated each other very different and with respect and love.. but for the first 6 years of our relationship it was extremely rough so all of that hurt is there and will always be there..

If we can successfully repair after this, won't we be stronger than any marriage that didn't have this rude awakening?

I'm so stuck. I love him so much.. I just don't want his fear and comfort to be the reason why he never knew a greater love. I couldn't ever imagine telling him I want to break up so that he can go find a better woman because I've hurt him so much out of self protection and preservation (and him to me too).

I'm just scared we aren't good together, but that we are all each other has known. Having gone through this affair revealed alot about myself and now feel like a completely different person.

Any and all advice is welcome.. If there's anyone reading this who is in a marriage with someone who cheated on them and you were able to forgive them and repair the marriage, please share. I need this more than anything to see that repair is actually worth it, because I'm worried that we are repairing this relationship because the alternative seems worse and more scary which is separate.

Him and I have always looked like we are in the honeymoon stage though. Our marriage is very very sweet and I would say a little bit innocent and precious. Makes it all the worse that this happened.