im a bully.

I know this sounds dramatic and i truly doubt anyone will read this, but i need to get this out of me, put it somewhere, anywhere. But I'm a bully to myself. I hate myself, i truly do. And i dont mean it lightly, like some people disliking some stuff about themselves, i mean like a true gut wrenching hatred, from my appearence,to my personality, to every single cell on my body. So, whilst i was in a raging crying session of hating myself, i just started wondering what caused all of this hate, as i put 2 and 2 together, for the first time i couldnt possibly understand the origin of this. Being socially awkard, unproductive, overweight, and even the fact that i consider myself a failure arent enough of a reason for me to treat myself this badly (and i know that this sound a little bit schizophrenic, but it truly feels like there is a part of me that is out of my control. Does anybody else feel like this?) So I just started crying even more, and apologizing to myself for hating me this much. Am I crazy??? I feel like someone watching a bully prey on a small baby, when at the same time I'm also the bully. I'm sorry if this was badly written.