How Can Someone Change Like That? I Need to Understand What Happened

I don’t know how to process what happened, and I need some clarity. I was dating this guy for four months, and everything felt like it was falling into place perfectly. I met him shortly after my last breakup, and we connected immediately. Our first date lasted four hours, full of deep conversations and laughter. By our second date, we had our first kiss. On the third, we opened up about our past relationships.

He told me his ex had broken up with him in February after an eight-year relationship. I asked him how he felt about it (as the reason for my last breakup was that my ex wasn't over his 8-year relationship), and he admitted it hurt at the time, but he was okay now. He appreciated my honesty when I told him about my recent breakup and my readiness to move forward. That night, we spent five hours just talking, kissing, and getting to know each other better. It felt effortless, natural, and safe — like we’d known each other forever. He didn't stop smiling at me. I couldn't resist but smile back the whole time. He told me that he could not believe I was so happy.

From then on, we tried to see each other as often as possible, juggling our busy schedules. Sometimes it was once a week, sometimes three. He even brought me to a work standby at a concert just so we could spend time together. He told me he wouldn’t have done that unless he was serious about me.

He made it clear he wanted something meaningful, even deleting Bumble to focus solely on us. I felt the same way, but I was hesitant to rush things. He reassured me constantly and invited me to a weekend trip. I had to postpone the trip he suggested for a couple of weeks because of my master’s thesis defense. He said he’d wait and not to worry. After my defense, he showed up at my place with a selfmade cake that said, “You Did It.” That night, he told me he felt happy and safe with me, that I brought out the best in him, and that he couldn’t wait for our upcoming trip.

But things started shifting just before that weekend. He went to Oktoberfest, and afterward, he said he felt sick and hoped that it would not get worse with our trip planned the upcoming weekend. The next day he didn’t respond to my texts until evening. The upcoming day same thing again. When I asked him, if everything was fine, he told me he’d got sick and been sleeping all day and wasn't sure if he'd be fine until the weekend. The next day he went to the doctor and tested positive for COVID. I reassured him it was fine, and that we’d find another time. We stayed in touch over the course of his 1-week sickness. The phone called once and texted, but his texts felt different — slower, less engaged. I brushed it off to him being sick.

Once tested negative, he texted immediately to see me. He asked for my availability to reschedule our trip, and I gave him some dates, but then he never replied about them. When we finally met, he asked where I’d like to go for our trip, but ultimately said we’d just “make it spontaneous where to go.” I remember feeling unsettled — it felt less intentional than his earlier planning. Still, I brushed it off and hoped it was just his stress or lingering sickness.

I’m an overthinker, and I started spiraling, wondering if his feelings had changed. I finally asked him if something was wrong. He said no, that nothing had changed, but added, “We need to spend more time together to see if it fits. And if not, that would be a shame.” I wasn’t sure how to take that, but just wanted to see where the weekend would lead us.

The weekend was amazing: a spa hotel, hiking, and breakfast with stunning views. He smiled at me the way he always had, that warm, genuine smile that made me feel safe and special. It was like the earlier doubts I’d felt didn’t exist. But then, after we got back, the pattern of distant texting returned. No good morning or good night messages, just a handful of texts a day.

Halloween came, and despite hating the holiday, he made time to go to a spa with me. He got off work early and rescheduled a meeting with a friend just to be with me. When we were cuddling, he told me that he felt super comfortable and safe and that he hoped that it would feel the same for me. It of course did feel the same for me. At the end of the night, I thanked him for taking the time and that I really appreciated it. He kissed me and said, “Of course I’ll always make time for you — maybe not always, but you know what I mean.” It felt reassuring.

Then things suddenly got worse. Texts became infrequent — no more good morning or good night messages, just the occasional check-in. I’m an overthinker, so I started spiraling, wondering if I had done something wrong or if his feelings were fading. By the following Sunday, the feeling overwhelmed me. I impulsively texted him, asking if I could ask him something. I deleted the message but he had already seen it and encouraged me to ask. I wanted to sweep it under the table, but he replied quickly, saying, “I want to know what’s going on in your mind. Especially if it has anything to do with us.” But I instantly regretted asking over text. I replied that I’d rather talk about it in person. He didn’t respond again that day, and my anxiety skyrocketed.

The next day, I received no messages from him. I texted to apologize, saying I didn’t mean to pressure him and I'd be happy to talk about it in person with him. Evening came. No reply. Later, I called him, but he didn’t answer. When he finally texted, all he said was that he was out eating and I should not worry, that he could “deal with that.”

By Tuesday, there was still no effort from him to reach out. I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was deeply wrong, so I called him again. No answer. I texted, saying that if I had done something wrong I'd be sorry or if he wasn’t interested anymore, it would be fine I just wanted to know. He finally replied, apologizing and saying that he’d had a hectic week and it had nothing to do with me, promising it would change and if we could talk on Sunday.

But it didn't. I continued sending good morning and good night messages, thinking I could at least support him with that. On Thursday, he texted me good morning and asked me how I slept. However, no reply afterward. On Thursday night, I decided to leave things alone for a bit and texted him that I wouldn’t interrupt him until we talked on Sunday.

He didn’t respond to my Thursday text. No messages on Friday. Nothing on Saturday. By Sunday afternoon, he finally texted to ask if we were still meeting. I said yes. Then, at 5:30, he texted again, saying he had to fix a heating system at a rental property and didn’t know how long it would take. I asked him to update me when he knew more, but by 6:30, he just texted, “As though, takes longer. I’ll try to make some time for you tomorrow.” I was shocked by the short, impersonal message. I replied with, “Wow,” and asked him to call instead.

An hour later, he did. His voice was cold and distant. He apologized and said his behavior had been “dumb” and there were reasons behind it. When I asked what the reasons were, he paused and didn’t answer. I finished his sentence for him, saying, “You figured out you’re just not that interested anymore.” He quickly replied with "No. I’ve realized the last week, I’m currently incapable of being in a relationship." He told me he didn’t know why but felt unpredictable, unsure of everything — even whether to celebrate his own birthday. He said he couldn’t promise me anything and didn’t want to hurt me more. I offered to help him figure things out, but he said no. I asked why he started things if he wasn’t ready. He said he thought it was special too and that this is something one cannot understand. He said he didn’t want us to be strangers and we could keep in touch, but I told him I couldn’t do “halfway” or being an option. He said goodbye, and I ended the call, heartbroken.

I keep thinking about the way he smiled at me, how safe and special he made me feel in those early days, and I can’t reconcile that with the way things ended. Everything was exactly the way people describe meeting their so, even though I never believed in such a connection. How could things change so drastically? Was I blind to the signs earlier? It feels so wrong to not wait for him and let him go. I even made him a Christmas calendar and now I don't know what to do with it... I know I have to move on afap, but it feels so f*** wrong to move on. I feel like I should be there for him, the way he was for me, supporting me during my thesis and everything. I know I cannot help him if he doesn't want to. But I genuinely feel like I letting my person go. It's been f** four months, so I shouldn't even feel that way...

I’m completely lost and would appreciate any advice or insight.