Postpartum Depression - Please help me

Hi everyone. I just want to start by saying my LO is about to turn 5 months in a few days.

I have been so depressed and worried about the thoughts I get concerning myself, my family, and especially my baby. The birth went smoothly but the pregnancy was almost traumatic. I felt sick and alone.

When LO gets fussy and it feels impossible to console her, I begin to think to myself things like “this was a mistake” or “I should’ve listened to SO and had an abortion,” although I don’t truly feel these things. MIL has been fat shaming me so I’ve been starving myself and trying to eat as little as possible, just enough for baby to survive. I am obsessed with looking in-shape and “glowing up” after pregnancy. I know it’s unhealthy but I want to impress people.

My question is this: how do I deal with PPD? My insurance won’t cover me (I moved out of state for a year and they declared me “inactive”), I have tried Zoloft to no avail, and I want to be with baby as much as possible (caretaker refused to take baby to the hospital in a medical emergency, so I refuse anyone else to watch her besides SO). I can’t pay for therapy because of finances.

I feel I am severely traumatized, guilty, and I want to cry all the time. I feel so tired and broken and all sorts of fucked up. I don’t know if I can ever fix myself back to the person I was before pregnancy. Please, how do I alleviate this depression? Any advice is greatly appreciated.