Need someone to talk to..

I’m really struggling accepting the changes that come with life after awakening… I had my spiritual awakening back in 2019 right after high school after a bout of limerence (or twin flame idk) triggered by a quarter life crisis. It started out great as I had a ton of internal motivation but slowly turned into apathy and nihilism. I had zero motivation to accomplish anything or better my life and just numbed myself with video games, sports, drinking, social media etc. I was too scared to do the work I was supposed to do because quite frankly it was just so hard and I literally felt like I was dying. For the following years, I isolated myself from most of my friends and family, and didn’t bother with romantic relationships.

Now years later, I find myself in the same position. Back in December, it all hit me how low I had sank and that the lack of responsibility I was taking for my life was sending me into a deep dark pit. My physical, mental, and spiritual health had all drastically declined, and I seriously thought about just killing myself. It felt like a quarter life crisis all over again and triggered another round of limerence except this time it was for a close friend of mine who I isolated myself from over the past few years after I had my original spiritual awakening. She reached out to me several times asking why I disappeared and what was going on. I basically just told her I needed alone time and didn’t actually say what happened.

Now I find myself really attached to her. We reconnected shortly after and I apologized to her for not keeping in touch and that I wanted to be friends again. But deep down I know our friendship isn’t the same as before and that people change over the years. I was trying to bring back the way our friendship was before but I can tell she doesn’t feel the same way as before. I’m just having a time accepting it and have been grieving for months now. It’s hard.. she was the main person I opened up to originally about my mental health and dealing with depression before I had my spiritual awakening. I know I wasn’t the bestest friend for just disappearing for years but now that I’ve tried reconnecting with her as well the other friends I isolated myself from, it just makes me feel even more alone than when I actually I isolated myself from everyone.

I’ve been seeing a psychologist about this, and am working on my attachment style and whether I have any other factors at play like OCD, ADHD etc… but man it’s hard, and I don’t know how to move forward on my spiritual journey. I would greatly appreciate anyone’s advice. Thank you