I'm relieved that my wife passed away

My wife's health had been slowly and not too steadily declining for the last two decades. We found out at the start of last year that she had probably had MS for most of those twenty years, previously undiagnosed. By the end, she was wheelchair bound, barely able to stand at all, and required constant assistance.

And she refused to cooperate with the physical therapists and nurses who were trying to help her. She did the absolute minimum she felt like she could get away with, and she rarely, if ever, thought about the impact of her decisions or what she said on other people.

For the last five years, more and more of my time had been taken up being a live-in caregiver for her. This is on top of working a full time job to support us. I was exhausted. I was burnt out. I was tired of being treated as little more than a servant to meet her needs. In August of 2024, she finally got bad enough that I couldn't deal with it anymore, and we transitioned her into a long term care facility. For a while, that seemed to be going well.

But then in early November, she got a cough. And it kept getting worse. By the first week or two of December, it was bad. And they sent her to the hospital, where she was diagnosed with pneumonia, and basically told that they strongly advised she be put on a ventilator. She reluctantly agreed. And she never woke up. Her condition continued to get worse and worse, despite the best they could do. And on the 19th, she passed away.

I was devastated. We were married for 25 years, and I loved her. But. I'm also relieved. Both for myself, and for her. For her, because she had been more and more miserable over the years, as her capabilities faded, and she felt worse and worse. She wasn't happy. For myself because... as much as I loved her... I had lost myself. My entire existence had been dedicated to her for years. I had no hobbies to speak of. I had no ability to go out and do things away from the house. I had no energy.

And now... I have time again. I can do things like go on a hike in the mountains all day, without worrying about whether she's fallen in the bathroom and hit her head. I can spend time working on my hobbies. I have a budget that I have full control of again, and can save money without having to fight with someone who wants to spend money just because it exists. I can get to the gym, and work on my own health, which had definitely suffered over the past 10 years.

So yes. I'm relieved that my wife passed away. And I feel guilty about that sometimes. But not that guilty.