New here

I'm posting here bc im unsure where to post. Other Christian groups I'm in don't allow these kinds of posts. I was raised in church, (Pentecostal) but for the wrong reasons. I never understood why my mom was so mean to me as a kid, but we still went to church, and she had leadership roles. We church hopped a lot. I didn't think much of it until I got older. She was always a lead singer or lead in music, but when people finally learned how mean she could be to them, we would move churches. We went where she could be praised long enough and keep a leadership role, then move on when she was found out. Without too much detail, my mom was verbally, mentally, and sometimes physically abusive. I've been in therapy for about 9 years working through a lot.

This year, I started reading the Bible as my first ever New years resolution at the age of 32 in hopes of connecting to God more. I've always known the basic Bible stories but went through an agnostic phase for a long while. I'm trying to work through why my mom treated me the way she did and also trust God. I don't trust anyone because of how she treated me. Even God. I hope that doesn't sound blasphemous. I mean it as I feel like I don't deserve His love, and I can't understand how He could love me when my own family couldn't. I hate myself. I've become very angry and mean and hard over the past few years. I yearn for a mother to hold me and hug me and tell me that I'm loved. I struggle trusting even my own husband, and he is a wonderful man.

Idk what to do. Therapy has helped tremendously, but I still feel so scared, empty, and not loveable. My anger and fear, and lack of trust affect me a lot in my life.

I'm just dumping in hopes of encouragement. Thanks.