Saddest Christmas I’ve had so far

For context, I am 28 years old. Youngest of two. My mom is a retired teacher. My father passed away 2 years ago.

I never imagined na I would be this sad during the holidays. I mean, I still tried to be merry by celebrating it but I guess totoo nga yung sabi nila na habang tumatanda tayo, nawawala or nababawasan na yung spark ng pasko at bagong taon. Idagdag mo pa yung mga problema na kinakaharap natin at sa hirap ng ekonomiya.

Both my brother and I are working. But despite this, we are not able to really provide to our mom, who is alone in our house for the past couple of years, particularly when she retired na from teaching.

I want to say it all out here pero tinatype ko pa lang to eh naiiyak na ako. I celebrated Christmas with my mom, kami lang dalawa, kasi di nakauwi si kuya. Wala daw siya budget at siguro ay nahihiya din na umuwi ng walang maiaambag. My mother may not have said it verbally but I know na nalungkot siya.

I tried my best to come up with a decent dinner for the two of us. A bilao meal for sharing. My mom asked me to pray to grace our food but I refused by jokingly saying na “ako na nga nagdala, ako pa magpipray”. But deep inside I refused to do the prayer kasi I was at the brink of crying na just by staring at my mom. It was even harder to hold back onto my tears when she started the prayer na. We ate, watched television, had a small talk, and slept. Around 10 PM, rain poured very hard. And I took that chance to cry myself out without my mom hearing me. It’s so hard to bear for someone who is really trying his best pero still feels unaccomplished.

And now, New Year is approaching. I told my mom na bukas na lang ako uuwi sa amin (even if I don’t have work during the weekend and today).

You know what broke my heart? When she asked me what we have for our fruit basket. It has been our tradition to create one kahit na minsan pahirapan kung saan kukunin ang pambili.

And I didn’t want to lie to her. So I responded, “bumili ako ng konti ma. Yun lang kasi ang kaya ng budget. Sorry and pasensya na po.”

I did not expect that the simple thought of completing 12 fruits in the basket would hit me so hard. Dati nagagawa ko pang bumili ng isang buong basket. Ngayon hindi ko na makumpleto yung mga prutas.

I felt the self disappointment even harder than I already did last Christmas. What made me break to tears is when my mom replied: “kung meron lang ako, anak, hindi ako manghihingi sa inyo”

My mother has been so selfless her entire life. And now I can’t even give her a complete fruit basket.