someone pls help ๐ญ๐ญ๐ญ๐ญ๐ญ๐ญ๐ญ๐ญ๐ญ๐ญ๐ญ๐ญ
So ive been on hrt (mtf) for the last 9 months, and things are not going as expected. Initially i wanted to transition because being referred to as male made me feel gross and i felt like nobody was taking my (then) non binary identity seriously without hormones. Also i felt dysphoric about how my body worked. After a few months on e, I realized that if i could choose to have been born female, i would with no hesitation and i still stand by this.
However, life as a trans woman is unbearable, even in probably the most liberal city in the US. I don't pass and people see and treat me as a freak. Its so incredibly dehumanizing when almost everyone i interact with (except other trans people) will literally cringe away and retch at me. As much as id like to, surrounding myself with trans people is unrealistic in terms of my career. Also im hiding my transition from my family bc theyre transphobic. Anyways, im in the middle of a severe autoimmune flare that im guessing was caused by the stress of everything and it made me have to take a year off of uni.
While all the changes from hrt definitely feel right/euphoric, i cant keep living like this. I dont smile anymore. i isolate myself and dissociate 24/7 because im traumatized by all of the societal backlash. I feel like i was happier and more confident as a man, because of all the support and respect from everyone. But at the same time, i was silently suffocating and felt crushed by an identity that never belonged to me.
At the end of the day, i just want to find a way to exist that makes me feel safe, happy, and whole. On transfem forums people say i gotta just grow a thicker skin and push through, and on detrans spaces everyone says im brainwashed and need to get off hormones. I feel so lost and really need guidance but I dont know who to believe anymore.
This seems like a safe and wise community. Are there any new perspectives or options I haven't considered? Is there any middle ground or alternative path for me?
If you've read this whole rant, thank you for your time! sending all the love โง๏ธโหโกโก