Absolutely devastated, I can't bring myself to say this...

You'll probably think that this is fallacious, unimportant, or even try to tell me that it paints trans people in a bad light. Well this is the most excruciating emotional pain I felt in a very long time, and it's real, and I have nobody to burden with it so here I go.

I went to a BDSM bigginers night last night, a friend I met through the local trans femme meet up invited me, and it was an absolute disaster.

I'm an older gal, always known I had an interest in broader kink and it's cultures, but never tried anything irl, but I finally decided to dip my toe last night and, nothing...sorry, one quick fumble with two trans peeps that ignored me in a dark room...and nothing. No single other person attempted to engage physically with me all night, not even touching my arm (that I fucking spent part of 90mins, in the bath yesterday, getting smooth and touchable) no one wanted to flirt, engage, check me out, or any suggestion of anything sexual. I spoke to a pretty high number of people 40 or more, and came away with only pain and loneliness

I'm forming some really scary conclusions in my head that sound very defeatist and dangerous. Along the lines of, "I'm too tall and lumbering for anyone to find cute" "I'm too old for anyone to consider me a catch, and worst of all "I'm too reliant on providing a comfortable social setting for strangers, too keen to chat, and be charming and relax them, that it's just not possible to find me sexy."

Years of using a charismatic mask to hide from myself and others seems to mean that even though I'm out, proud, queer and visible. I'm unable to be available to anyone, basicly Im crying my eyes out now cause I think I'm a fucking incel.