I'm an ugly freak with no hope...

That's what everyone sees me as.

I go on dates with my fiancee, and kids record me and say "Hey freak you're not a real woman" as they send that video in their group chat. Then adults make it a point that I am part man and I have to understand that, and that I am somehow a threat to their kids just by existing.

I go out, and people still treat me differently to cis women, where I'm just an exception case...a "buddy" or "champ" or "bro"...yet I'm a Ma'am or Young lady, not a guy.

I look at social media and see that so many trans girls younger than me and who have been on HRT for barely 6 months perfectly pass and people see them as a woman. They can actually live life comfortably be able to look in the mirror without throwing up and wishing they were dead.

I try to explain who I am to my mum...and she just says that it's ok to have a "phase" in my life where I am figuring things out, and to help out in the garden because "You're stronger than women are".

It's all because of my stupid fucking face. I look like my useless father who ran away from the family and slowly killed himself. According to my mum throughout all of my life "You're just like your father!".

I never asked to be born a guy, and I never asked to be this way. I wish I could have my birth redone so that I was more stupid than I am now, stupid enough to not know that I should have always been born a girl. Maybe then I would have been happy and not treated like a "Weirdo", "monster", or "freak"...

I've tried everything from therapy to medication. Nothing works. I hate my face.

After 3 years of HRT I still look like a fucking twink. I'm going on 24 and I still haven't been able to look at myself in the mirror and pictures and be happy.

All I wanted was to be a cosplayer and a model. I just wanted to be able to put on an outfit and see a cute girl looking back at me...but all I see is some horse-faced dudebro that looks like a 4/10 failure of a man who didn't have the courage to kill themselves.

I just wanted to be able to put on my Astolfo outfits and look as cute as everyone else...but I just don't. I look like a sissy crossdresser and not a cute cosplayer. I don't want to be a guy...

The moment I tried to get FFS my mum found out, pressured me out of it, and I almost lost my money...she took no accountability for that and said "Oh well, you just learn from your mistakes". After getting all my money back, I get fired from my job of 4 1/2 years right as my mum is kicking my fiancee and I out for being trans...without that job I now have to probably wait another year to get FFS. I have the money to do it, but if I do now my fiancee and I will be homeless. I just don't think I can wait a year when even the thought of going outside and having people stare at me makes me want to peel my face off with a knife.

I have no one in my life to financially support me because I was born into a poor family, so my only option is to work myself half to death and still fail to get FFS in time because I'm such a failure that I lost my job.

I'm almost 25 now...all I wanted was to live out my early twenties as a cute girl and then grow into a mature woman. Instead I let myself get used for sex that I didn't enjoy for validation that I was even somewhat feminine, got SA'd because I deserved it, and never found a partner because I was too ugly.

I love my fiancee to pieces...but I feel unworthy to be her future "wife" when all I am is a creepy dude wearing women's clothing who has been taking HRT for so long yet can't even be remotely attractive.

All I've ever wanted was to be able to look in the mirror and have a cute girl look back at me, for everything to make sense. My entire life I have hated my face and hated the way I look. Even back in school people would laugh at me, not be my friends, and say that I was so weird that I should just stay away from them. If I was just born a girl then people wouldn't hate me so much. I hate being a guy and I wish my parents never had me.

It's gotten so bad recently that I throw up just from seeing my disgusting face looking back at me. That same face that makes everyone call me a "freak". I can't even walk outside without feeling so anxious that I almost fall over out of dizziness. I'm pathetic. I don't know who else to blame but myself for not ending my life sooner, just so people are spared from looking at a monster like me.

Maybe then people would be happy with who I am...and would finally stop calling me a fucking freak...maybe I might be born a girl...