Maintaining feels impossible

How the hell do I maintain?

I’ve reached my „goal weight”. I don’t ‚need’ to lose any more, to put myself at any more risk than I already am in. And yet I can’t stop restricting. I tried upping my intake by a small amount, and even that feels like an impossibility most days. I feel like I don’t deserve to eat, like anything that doesn’t lead to weight loss is too much, like I’m worthless if I eat more than previously. Not having much of an appetite doesn’t help either. 

I’m definitely not trying to recover, but I want to have a life outside of my ED. I just want to maintain - I want to have the energy to focus on something other than weight loss for a while, but I feel like its impossible. I can’t imagine eating more, and it’s becoming increasingly more difficult to force myself to do so. 

I dunno folks, I’m at a loss. Sorry if this post is too rambly or whatever, I just feel like this would be the place where I could find someone who’d understand what it feels like.