i hate that he misses him

i just apparently came out of a serveral day binge where i became so unbelievably obsessed with a movie/book and everything about it i had to consume as much as i could, write stuff about it, draw things, whatever. i kept thinking maybe i was just refixating on the stuff or something because the series is a long time special interest, but i woke up today and any urge or interest that was there is gone or very muted and mild. and i know exactly what happened and i hate it

this alter made himself known several months ago, and he brought emotional flooding with him of stuff relating to a situation i barely even think about. i was 17, naive, in an abusive relationship, and someone befriended me and got close to me. i thought i was polyamorous at the time, and i was neck deep in thinking i was fictional characters irl or whatever because my identity was completely unstable, so i wasn't the most.. overall stable i guess. they decided to start identifying as all of the characters i viewed in a romantic way, and i started "dating" them. he was 21 and turned 22 during the whole thing. i feel nauseous just typing this

he used a particular pairing i latched onto specifically to be extremely sexual with me, would tell me things, want me to do things. it was all online so i guess it wasn't inherently the worst thing to ever happen but. i was desperate i guess, the other "relationship" i was in was abusive, and the person kept telling me i couldn't see the 21 year old - not because of the age gap, no. because he made his partner uncomfortable. lol. said partner decided the series i was interested in was suddenly a trigger because of this, and this made the 21 year old make a separate group chat with just me and another 16 year old in it. i was the main one he interacted with though

my mindset back then was i really did believe this guy was the character he was identifying as, and i believed i was the character i identified as. i don't remember how i even realized something was wrong with the situation, but in a morbidly ironic fucking twist my abuser ran him off the platform when i told him about it

im 24 now, almost 25. i haven't seen the 21/22 year old since then, and he deactivated the only account i knew of. he had an AO3 but it was anonymous (and i found.. written underage fanfiction in his history that made me wanna puke). but generally besides nausea i feel nothing towards a lot of it besides a general "man what the fuck"

but then this alter shows up, and wouldn't you know it he's a fucking introject of the character i identified as. he's from then, and with him came the most conflicting and awful emotions that made me sick in bed for days. i would catch myself missing this guy, reminiscing fondly like he was just another ex i looked back on favorably. i wouldn't have a single thought in my brain about the fact i was a kid and i was groomed, and any time that implication came up this alter would get upset and shut it down

this alter brings back the intense interest in the media, and while i don't inherently mind because i do like the media a lot, it's also so fucking hard because he views the 21/22 year old as the character the guy identified as. they're intertwined in his mind, the same person. and he misses him. he's wondered where the guy is, missed him so badly it's physically hurt. he's wondered what he's doing with his life, where he is now. i constantly get the feeling he'd go back to the guy if i knew how to find him

and i hate it. i hate it i hate it i hate it. missing him makes me feel sick i don't want to fucking miss him. i understand why this alter is the way he is logically i can understand the thought process and why he's like that, my therapist tells me that even though he presents as an adult he's a kid because i was a kid. but i fucking hate that he thinks so fondly back on this period. he thinks the guy did nothing wrong, it was just a normal relationship that ended on good terms when it didn't. it literally didn't i blocked the guy after distancing myself

i know why but why. why do i have to feel this. why do i have to go through these intense obsessive periods where all i can think about is the character i saw him as, all i can think about is the movie the characters are from. assholes online keep fucking saying introjects are for "comfort" and are because you like shit but they're fucking NOT. yeah i like the media yeah i like the characters but i didn't fucking ASK FOR THIS. i didn't ASK for this grown fucking person in fucking COLLEGE to SEXT ME and tell me the most graphic shit i can't ever get myself to repeat because it makes me want to throw up. i didn't ask for this this isn't fucking comforting this isn't nice i hate it i fucking hate it and i hate this stupid disorder. i just wanna go back to when id forget this guy even existed. i don't hate the alter, i just hate that he exists and makes me feel this way in the first place