The worst things about dissociation/derealization/depersonalisation?

I didn't really know how to title this post.

Not being present makes it impossible to experience anything. Like even watching a TV series-- I know I watched it and can remember some obvious things, but Im not able to actually describe plot details or characters. That goes for books, video games, films as well. It's nearly impossible to learn and retain knowledge. That's how I've been the majority of my life. I know I experienced 42 years of life, but I don't have any solid memories. I have no identity because I've not actually been here. I was "alive" from age 0-7, then I "died", then I "woke up" at age 41.

When I've sunken far into the back of my head (that's how I describe my dissociation) it's like everything and everyone is just too far away, and feelings/emotions are too far away, and everything is just pointless and lifeless. It's like a simulation.

Sometimes it feels like I have no weight, and feels like I'm floating or flying away. Sometimes I'm just staring into space, because I was thinking about something I can't really remember. I've had many out of body experiences where it really feels like I'm watching "myself"-- the poor sad version of myself who has to exist in this world and has been failing to do that for most of his life because of the trauma. Even the non-out of body experiences, it still feels like I'm in his head, looking out of his eyes. I'm a passenger.

I know that I dissociate but when it's happening, it's like it's always been that way, it feels normal. I'm more susceptible to my negative thoughts and suicidal thoughts when I'm in that state, it makes it easy for my depression to flood my brain with those thoughts, but it doesn't matter, because life has always been like that. Since waking up last year, I can finally catch myself dissociating. Sometimes it takes weeks before I realize, which sucks. But it's still a sign of progress

I'm scared to tell a doctor about this because I'm so afraid they won't even believe me. If people have never experienced this feeling how can they possibly understand it? Fear of not being believed, about anything, is a big thing for me. Again, due to my trauma.