I am at the end of my rope

I’m going to keep it short because my pwBPD may recognize this by the details and I don’t want to deal with the fallout. I don’t know if I need support or to vent or to try to see if I’m not crazy.

I can’t take this anymore. It’s been daily I have to pour every bit of energy into them. They have had a very rough life. And still do. I actively damn near every day have to walk them back from suicide. If I don’t have energy that day or am also having a bad mental health day then I get told I don’t have it as bad as them.

We just had another argument and I got called an ugly fat lazy bitch because I have a fever and am sick and wanted to sleep. They justify every horrible thing they say with my actions, I made them do this, I made them mad, “if you don’t want me to call you these things, don’t make me mad”. I’ve tried so hard and had to stay calm when actively getting the most horrible shit said to me.

I’m deteriorating. I’m always terrified of an argument (they just told me they hate me for showing signs of being scared of them and look at me different for getting anxious when an argument is about to happen) I’m sick all of the time because my anxiety manifests as physical ailments but they say how annoyed they are that I’m always sick when they need me. They need me constant but yet they say I don’t help at all and I don’t care and never did even though I’ve changed so much of my life to make them more comfortable.

I’m just so tired.. I’m drained. I try to leave and they threaten suicide every time and I have to beg them not to. I tell them I’m going to call help and they say they’ll run and do it faster and it’ll be my fault. That shatters me. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like a shell of a person who isn’t entitled to be upset, angry or broken hearted by this behavior. I feel evil for being sad about it.

Any help would be appreciated.