BPD episode

these last two weeks have been absolute hell and i fear it's finally catching up to me. the euphoria hit about a week ago, i didn't realize it till now. but i feel like i am a god, i can do anything and won't get hurt, had a two hour drive today and was driving reckless (as safe as i can) but it felt so good like im invincible . i'm easy to anger and i feel it boiling inside of me no matter what it is. i keep splitting, feeling like i am a god, straight to i'm not enough and i don't deserve to be here. i have barley been sleeping but no matter how little sleep i get im wide awake. in the past 2 days ive gotten a total of 2 hours of sleep, no matter how hard i try to fall asleep it never works. all emotions hit me like a freight train out of nowhere. the triggers can be as small as someone looking at me the wrong way, peoples tones, when i play games. i flex between angry, happy, and extremely depressed sometimes without even a trigger. i get so angry randomly and start punching my walls, taking burning hot showers because i cant feel the pain. i won't let myself eat because i dont feel like i deserve it which is ruining the progress ive made getting out of my eating disorder. i catch myself dissociating making me feel absolutely crazy and out of my body, when i close my eyes i can see myself sitting/ laying there. thinking about suicide and how it could benefit people if i was gone, or how no one would even care. i've been extremely paranoid thinking people are following me or watching me. i'm terrified being in this episode because i haven't been in one in so long and i hate myself for it. all the suppressed feelings from the past months are coming back like a freight train. i've fully acknowledged it finally and self aware from what is happening. but when i feel like im invincible or like nothing bad will happen to me it's adrenaline and it feels so good it's addicting. i catch myself craving the rush and will go out of my way to find it. i just want to get out of this episode already, but im scared when i come out of this ill be back into the worst depression ive had in years. i mask as best as i can when i am angry or depressed but its not good enough, so it's noticeable. i feel as if im rambling but its hard finding people to talk to and relate to in person. i love this community because it makes me feel so seen and like im not going crazy and not alone. i'm sorry this has been all over the place, im just finally done / over going through all this stuff im so emotionally tired. my girlfriend is a great support system but doesn't have bpd so it makes it hard for me to communicate correctly. she does her absolute best and i appreciate her so much for it. but i can't shake the feeling that she deserves better