I didn’t want to leave.

Over the last four years, I have been severely depressed. Lost a lot of friends, moved from the city I grew up in, and ultimately I changed as a person. I’ve switched from medicines like risperidone and lexapro to Zoloft and seroquel for major depressive disorder and OCD. These were severely comorbid with ADHD and it made life a living hell.

Today I’m still on the Zoloft and seroquel, but my psychiatrist added Concerta after a failed attempt with Intuniv. This is my second day taking it.

If anyone has been around me for the last four years, they’d know that I hate being around people. I was just depressed and too insecure. I’ve dealt with abandonment issues and feeling like people were going to leave so I was just like “what’s the point of being around people?”

Today I was around a bunch of strangers watching my brother play pickup basketball. For the first time in years, I didn’t feel like withdrawing. I stayed there. I cheered and clapped. I was conversing with people who, had it been a few days ago, I would certainly not have. I legitimately enjoyed being around a group of strangers. I didn’t want to leave. I didn’t think about abandonment so much and I had a genuinely good time. I feel amazing. I say this as a cliché because I can’t express it in any other words: God is good. The healthcare system finally did its job after months of severe intrusive thoughts. Not to be pedantic, but the less I learned is that life can get better. Just gotta hang in there. Peace.