Still running after my dreams, should I stop?

Hello to the whole ADHD tribe.

I am waiting for my diagnosis (next Tuesday, finally!) and nothing is going right in my life.

I'm almost 40, and I've gone my whole life without even suspecting that I might have a disorder, even though I've felt apart and different all my life.

I have never been able to accept the idea of working for money, I have never been attracted to money, and I have even experienced living almost 2 years without money, without a bank account, without social security, NOTHING.

This experience allowed me to find peace, happiness and confidence for the very first time in my life.

Not being confronted with the temptations of the system and my difficulties allowed me to feel strong, and above all I felt good in my head, in my heart and in my body.

I believed at that moment that I had won, that I had found the meaning of life, and that I was finally a real man!

I then met a woman, fell in love, and moved to Switzerland with her.

Soon, I was confronted again with my difficulties, temptations and demons.

It took me a long time to admit it, but I understood that I was not stronger, nor more disciplined, I had just trapped myself and deprived myself of everything I cannot handle.

Now I want to have a stable life, earn money, and find that peace and happiness that I knew outside the system.

I've done several jobs, but I don't keep any of them, because I don't feel stimulated, and my CV doesn't allow me to get anything else than thankless and underpaid jobs.

So I wanted to devote myself to my music, my lifelong dream.

I got back into music production, I created my YouTube channel, full of hope, but after two years, I'm starting to doubt that I'll ever be able to live a modest life doing what I love.

Making a living from my music requires a thousand times more work, organization, investment and confidence than any job, and I feel like I'm not up to it.

My partner and I are constantly fighting, which doesn't help me at all, and I really don't know what to do anymore.

Should I keep fighting, or should I realize that my happiness is not here, nor in this system, and never will be?

Sorry for this long message (and again I made an effort to condense as much as possible), and thanks to you who took the time to read me.